Posted by: penelopefly | December 8, 2008

Of Breast Cancer and Gingerbread Men

ulyssespost I thought baking gingerbread men would be an opportunity to create a special memory with my children.  I scrutinized the ingredients, checking them twice- even three times, to make sure even a spilled milk distraction did not result in a Tbsp rather than Tsp. My little girls placed those bits of raisins and cinnamon candy hearts with the care of a surgeon.

sany0059 Is this the result of a stressed-out mom or an oven that isn’t set properly?  Regardless, those burnt, little Chernobyl creatures seem to mirror my  inner frazzle. 

Last week, I ponied my breast up to the cold plate of mammogram machine.  I did this with the pride that comes with finally prioritizing my own health care.  Unlike last year, when I feared the results and was ecstatic  upon hearing: “you are cancer free.” on my voicemail, this time I went about preparing for school and the holidays without giving the screening another thought.

Then I came home to the message: “Please call us to discuss your results.”.When I called, I was told that they had me on the wait list to schedule a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound and, “Did I want to make that appointment now?”.  Excuse me, WHAT? 

It appears that I have a .8cm, oval mass on my left breast.  So, tomorrow I have two Dr. appointments and another squished breast.  I spent my weekend trying not to think about it.  

What is it about the prospect of breast cancer that scares the living bejesus out of me? Duh..right?  Yet, I didn’t feel this way while waiting a month to have an ovarian cyst checked out.  I have found myself thinking about the most bizarre things: would I be the kind of patient who is stoic and funny, or scared and depressed?  Would I be a fighter and try new surgeries? Would I write like Checkov who wrote at his most vivid when he knew he was dying?  How could I make a biopsy appointment and subsequent medical procedures when I have a schedule that is packed beyond believe?

I refuse  go down that road- the one that whips me into a hysterical frenzy of imagination gone wild- and think about my family.  For now, as my mother-in-law says, “We’ll worry on an as-needed basis”. That, surprisingly is working.  And deep down, I feel that everything will actually be okay.  I am determined that things turn out better than these damned gingerbread men.

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Responses

  1. penelopefly, I’ll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. You intuition is probably correct, everything will be okay!! I bet those gingerbread men were still pretty tasty…

  2. […] to Gain 5 Pounds in 5 Days A quick follow-up to my last post: of gingerbread men and breast cancer… all is well.  Six squishy photos later and my breasts received an all-clear!  phew and […]


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